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Nothing sinks your self-esteem into a pit of despair quite like a bad breakup. Romantic comedy movies and sitcoms would have us believe that the process is simple: Turn on a sad movie marathon in your comfiest pajamas, sob in a pint of ice cream for a few days straight and
How To Get Over Your Ex Fast
! Montage on, you’re brand new and you’re out to take on the world. But in reality, once you’ve hit rock bottom, you may find yourself slipping into self-destructive habits – ignoring your friends, neglecting your work and generally forgetting about self-care. You’ve been told all your life that there are more fish in the sea (just open the dating app of your choice and there they are), but why is it just
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The answer: love is a drug. No, really. “Functional brain scans have shown that love is a form of addiction,” says Guy Winch, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of How To Fix a Broken Heart. “We get used to having a certain substance, and that substance is a person and the relationship in our life. Then during ‘withdrawal,’ we despair and act out of character.” Not only that, long-term relationships mean that you have shaped your life around that of another person. You’ve made compromises as well as future plans, and letting go of that isn’t as simple as swiping left or right. But don’t give up: We asked relationship experts for their best advice on how to get over a breakup, and there are a number of simple steps you can take — none of which involve Ben & Jerry’s.
If your partner initiated the breakup, it’s perfectly normal to start picking apart your physical appearance and personality traits, and wonder what’s wrong.
To make someone fall out of love. Instead, reverse that thought pattern. “Focus on what you really value about yourself and what you brought to the relationship, rather than what qualities you don’t have,” advises Winch.
It’s easy to get down on yourself when you get dumped. To remind yourself how much you deserve love, get out a pen and paper or your Notes app and put it in black and white. “Write a list and think of traits that speak to your character, emotional strengths, skill sets, abilities and any other qualities that have value in a relationship.” If you’re having a hard time coming up with ideas, tap your closest friends and family, who will jump at the chance to share all the reasons they feel lucky to have you in their lives.
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“Once a week, find a coffee shop or restaurant you’ve never been to and invite at least one friend to go with you,” says Mary Jo Rapini, psychotherapist and author of
, who gives this assignment to all her clients who are working on healing from heartbreak. This will help you break your usual routine and get away from the places you used to go with your ex.
After a breakup is the perfect opportunity to spend quality time with good friends that you may not have seen as much while you were dating. If you’ve neglected your friends or family members, ask them to try those new places with you or pick up traditions you had that may have fallen by the wayside. It’s hard to give up when you’re making new memories with people who love you.
There’s a reason they’re cliché: rebounds offer a quick boost that makes you feel sexy or worthwhile,
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. But once that high wears off, you might just feel guilty, according to Rapini. “Many of my clients express remorse after a rebound because their investment was superficial while other people put their feelings on the line,” she says.
Look, we’ll get it. You want to do something drastic when your relationship ends, but step away from the scissors (or whatever your mechanism of choice is). When you make impulsive decisions, it means that you are trying to find a way to avoid feeling those painful emotions that come with losing someone you love. “Acknowledge the hurt and understand that being a responsible person means dealing with it,” says Rapini. “Be ready to go into pain.”
When your mind eventually wanders and you start reminiscing about all the good times you two had, you’ll likely forget to consider the bad parts. (You know, the petty fights, lifestyle differences and pointless bickering that characterize every relationship). “Your first thought might be, ‘Oh, that vacation was so perfect.’ Remember how the two of you didn’t speak for 24 hours because you had an argument on that plane,” says Winch. “Remind yourself that you start every trip so anxious because your partner never arrived at the airport on time. In other words, make it a point to introduce negative things, because your mind will only reinforce the positive. Keep the picture real. ” Remember what the whole relationship was about
Mom told you if you don’t have something nice to say then … well, you know the rest. But we know she would make an exception just this once. Go ahead, indulge your inner mean girl for a minute. “Compile a list of all the ways this person was not right for you,” recommends Winch. “Think of every annoying quality they had as well as all the compromises you had to make in the relationship. Keep that list on your phone so you can refer to it whenever you start thinking they were so perfect. It’s natural to it idealises both the person and the relationship.” Keeping the qualities that drive you batty will help you take off the rose-colored glasses when you’re looking for a new beau, too.
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Especially if you share a lot of mutual friends, unfollowing your ex partner is not enough to clear their presence timeline. If you don’t want to be bombarded by their faces every time you log in, limit your social media usage until the wound heals a bit. Of course, this does not mean that the urge to take a look at their profile will go away completely. “Think of things you can ‘check’ on whenever you have the constitution to discover their activity online,” suggests Rapini. “Check on your friend who is overwhelmed with a new baby or call your parents.”
While you’re doing everything you can to create distance, your well-meaning friends may be tempted to pass on any juicy gossip about what your ex is up to. Even though it may feel like itchy scratches at the moment, fixating on them will not help you move forward. So be proactive and let your network know you are
We all know that real life doesn’t look like a rom-com, but you may find yourself wishing you had experienced a dramatic breakup even if you didn’t. Unfortunately what tends to happen more often IRL is that two people slowly drift apart, and after the split, one of you is left wondering,
Instead of beating yourself up looking for answers, it’s healthier (and better for your mental health in the long run) to realize and accept that you just weren’t the perfect match for each other. If the other person is unable to articulate why they don’t want to be with you, tell yourself that the fact that your ex couldn’t move away is all the explanation you need to close that relationship. chapter well. “The subtext of those explanations are “I deserve someone who can commit to me,” “I deserve someone who can love me enough” and “I need someone who appreciates everything about me.”
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Often times, people who tell themselves they are fixating on closure are actually looking for another chance. “There is this fantasy that if you keep asking, you will discover something that will allow you to undo what happened and get back together with that person,” offers Winch. But most of the time, that won’t happen and more of the time, it’s still not a good idea. The sooner you let go of that idea, the sooner you can heal. And this should go without saying, but resist the urge to hook up with your ex. Nothing good will come of this (trust us).
So maybe you can’t stand going to that spin class where everyone knows you as one half of “Amy and John,” but that doesn’t mean that everything you’ve made strong together has to go out the window. If you both love a particular fitness class, activity or hobby, you can still take a break in it alone (but maybe switch the times so you don’t meet your ex in the gym or studio). “I find that some people stop activities such as attending church or volunteering because it was something they did with their partner,” says Rapini. “What you should really be doing is trying something new
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