Do You Stay Friends With Your Ex – A strange thing happened to Rebecca Griffith, a graduate student at the University of Kansas, when she began to share her findings on “post-breakup friendships” – relationships between two people who have broken up – at conferences a few years ago. . It was a strange search, indeed; very few studies have attempted to determine what factors contributed to the success or failure of post-divorce relationships, and after his presentations, Griffith often fielded questions from other scientists and colleagues in his field. But the question he often faced was not about his ideas, or his method, or his analysis of the data. It was, “I have to
Questions about how to stay in touch with an ex-best friend are, as Griffith can attest, both complex and universal. Take a look at a section of the Internet that offers crowdsourced answers to difficult questions, for example, and you’ll find repetitions of these problems: On sites like Quora and Yahoo! Answers, as well as Reddit sites like r/relationships, r/teenages, and r/AskReddit, both bouncers and bouncers seek advice on what it means to want to stay friends, agree to stay friends, and if
Do You Stay Friends With Your Ex
Concerns about “I hope we can still be friends” may stem from a lack of certainty about what it means, or whether the gesture is sincere. Talking during a breakup is a great and effective way to ease the pain of a breakup or the most brutal part of the whole process, depending on who you ask. Trying to stay friends can be kind if it shows love or respect that goes beyond the terms of the relationship, for example. It can be cruel, however, when it helps to force the disputant to express feelings of anger and pain. And some may say that breaking another person’s heart and then asking them to continue to strengthen a close friendship that is a real, successful relationship is something that is unfair.
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As a result, how to interpret or act on the concept of friendship after the breakup is one of the great daily mysteries of our time. Perhaps the current emphasis is on “our time”: Researchers and historians suspect that the urge to stay friends, or the urge to stay friends after a breakup, has grown over the past few generations. As the latest installment in the usual break-up routine, “I Hope We Can Still Be Friends” reveals the reality of today’s love and friendship.
There are four main reasons, Rebecca Griffith and her colleagues found, why expatriates feel compelled to maintain or express friendships: cultural reasons (i.e.,
We work together / go to school together / share friends, so we should be together to minimize drama)
To some, perhaps, it will seem obvious; indeed, several results in Griffith’s study, which were published in the research journal Personal Relationships, serve to confirm what many already know in a profound way to be true. For example, Griffith and his team found that friendships resulting from unresolved romantic desires lead to more negative outcomes, such as feelings of sadness, difficulty maintaining relationships, and rejection by other partners. The relationships created between people called “security,” meanwhile, produced the best results and the best friendships. (One of the surprising things he found was that people who are deeply in love don’t like to stay in a relationship with someone they just started dating. Friends are people who don’t want [exclusive] friendships,” he said.)
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The popularity of relationships that end over time has not been well studied. But the researchers and historians I spoke to in this article generally agree that in the history of relationships, having friends (or trying to) is a modern phenomenon, especially among mixed couples. The experts also agreed that two concerns often lead to the possibility of finding friends after a breakup – the worry that the group of people or the workplace will be hostile, and the worry that the loss of a loved one will mean another loss. potential partner—is only a modern phenomenon, made possible by the inclusion of women in society and the subsequent rise of mixed partners.
When Rebecca Adams, a sociology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, began researching platonic relationships between men and women in the late 1970s, she found that women born in the early 1900s could not mentioning men among their friends: He told me: “Those women had grown up in a time when you had a male friend, because they were in a family” where you and your husband were friends, he told me. He said that for many years in the 1900s, people thought that what men and women did together was dating, getting married, and having families.
Adams says that began to change as more women entered the workforce and pursued higher education; while 30 percent of the American workforce was female in 1950, by 1990 women made up nearly half of the workforce. Before the mid-1900s, Adams said, “women and men were not thought of as equals. Women were not as educated as men, and they did not enter the workforce as often as men.” But as more women started working and attending classes with men—and hanging out with them at lunch or teasing their bosses after work—men and women began to form friendships. And as the platonic relationship between a man and a woman became a more established concept in itself, Adams says, so did the platonic relationship between a man and a woman who were dating. (Women’s entry into the workforce also makes mixed-race relationships more likely to blossom—and lust—at work, creating a similar culture where exes meet.)
Other factors, such as the advent of the birth control pill and the government’s protection of abortion rights in the late 1900s, made it impossible for anyone who had casual sex to be the adoptive parent, Adams said—which led to more romantic laws. That freedom allowed for the idea of having multiple partners or friends throughout life, and created an important framework for what would happen if two ex-partners stayed together after a breakup.
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Today, Adams told me, “men and women have more in common than ever before, and there is a strong foundation for friendship,” and young, single people in particular have what they call “heterosexual” friendships.
Young, single Americans are a special case of Alexandra Solomon, an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University who teaches a university course that often highlights Marriage 101. And indeed, in her conversations with college-age teenagers over the past 10 years, she has seen “a group of “friends” – many members, which are often disorganized between three or more people – are becoming a permanent group of social networks. Now that fewer people in their mid-20s are married, “people live in these little tribes,” he told me. “My college students use the phrase,
, which was not a word I had ever used. It wasn’t like capital-F, capital-G
As it is now.” Today, however, “a group of friends gets you through college, and then into your 20s. When people were getting married at 23, 24, or 25, the group of friends didn’t settle in between.”
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Most friendship groups are platonic: “My niece and nephew are in college, and they live in same-sex apartments — the four of them rent an apartment together, two boys and two children, and nobody sleeps with each other,” Solomon. he said laughing. Solomon, who is 46, added that he can’t think of a single example, “in college or school where my friends lived in same-sex situations.” However, he feels that being in the same group of friends is how many young couples meet and fall in love—and when they do, there is more pressure to stay friends in order to maintain harmony within the larger group.
Solomon believes that this same thinking can also improve the history of same-sex friendships. Because LGBTQ people are very small and LGBTQ groups are often close-knit, “there is
It’s become the idea that you have a boyfriend in your circle of friends — and you just have to deal with the fact that that person is going to be at the same party as you next week, because you’re all in this small community.” Although many still ended relationships after the breakup, in Griffith’s study, LGBTQ participants reported more relationships with ex-partners and more opportunities to remain friends for “safety” reasons.
Maintaining a group of friends “may also be a common concern” in today’s youth, says Kelli María Korducki, author of Hard to Do: The Surprising, Feminist History of
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